HOw To THE EPIC BATHROOM BATTLE OF 2014

OK...fair warning, long post and graphic content.  If you are weirded/grossed out by snakes and mice and scat and other creepy things, CLICK HERE for something warm and fuzzy.  Otherwise continue on...

So I get to the farm early Saturday morning.  The weather was stunning...our first true Fall weather day.  Visions of garden cleaning, a nap, planting trees and bushes, a glass of tea on the porch, windows opened to cool air, were all dancing around in my head...well that was all shot to Hell when I opened the door and walked into this:

By way of location explanation...the only bathroom that the house has is what they call a "Jack and Jill" bath (Jack and Jack in our case, LOL)...it connects the guest room with the master bedroom.  Since we've figured that our mouse problem could be from the space behind the sink in the bathroom, we keep the doors shut when we aren't there.  We also came up the idea to get one of those under the door draft dodger things for each door.  Here's what they look like intact: Twin Draft Guard Brown.  The system has worked great...until now.

The photo above is the side from the guest room.  Here is the side from the master bedroom:

Notice the door slightly ajar...

My heart now racing at probably an unhealthy level for a man of my age, I frantically calmly ran backed out of the room and returned to the safety of the house in town car porch.

My mind began to wander...never a good thing on a regular day, especially not a good thing after seeing this.  I could only imagine what I might find inside the bathroom.  Something alive?  Dead?  Lurking?  Hiding?  Ready to attack?

What to do, what to do...

*not me

Thank goodness for The Walking Dead...I headed to the mudroom where I have a machete hanging next to the broom and mop (don't judge).  I made sure my phone was in my pocket and the machete was up and at the ready.  Looking not unlike this, shirt sweaty but hair looking fairly good, I reached for the doorknob.  I unlatched it and slowly pushed it open...

It was obvious that some sort of epic battle had taken place.  

Whatever was inside, wanted out...there was dried blood on the floor, bits of fur, and over in the corner...(look away now...you've been warned)...

Snake scat

...poop!  And this ain't mouse poop, THAT'S for sure.  I looked on Google (while safely ensconced on the couch back in town) and it's almost certainly snake scat.  Without going into too much detail, there were bits of bone and fur and it smelled strongly of ammonia. (hmm, maybe that was too much detail...)

Slowly I pulled back the shower curtain...all clear.  I checked the water heater area...all clear.  The last thing to check was the cabinet under the sink.

I pulled the cabinet door open and found this:

MORE freakin' snake skin!

And mouse poop!

It was a relief when I realized that nothing was in the bathroom...but then I remembered that the door to the master bedroom was ajar.  If something had gotten out, it was now somewhere else in the house.  CRAP!!  I had to check under the beds, the couches, the closets and all the kitchen cabinets...

Great, just great...remind me again why we bought an old, rural, farmhouse?

*still not me

Time to step back into Walking Dead mode.  I proceeded to clear the house, room by room.  Yep, I had a machete up and ready in one hand and a flashlight in the other.  I walked gently but deliberately, opening cabinets and closets using the tip of the machete and shining the light inside.  I will admit, the hardest part was kneeling down, face first, to look under the beds.

Thank God, it was all was clear...

Back to the bathroom.

Check this out:

Whatever happened inside the bathroom, it was intense.  Something wanted out so badly, it chewed/scratched up the linoleum and tried gnawing a hole, yes, a HOLE, in the wood subfloor!  It didn't succeed.  We can't even imagine what transpired in that bathroom but it couldn't have been pleasant.  We figure it was a snake and at least a couple of mice.  Alas, it will remain a mystery forever as the battlefield has been cleaned up and sanitized...the open borders have been closed and filled with expanding foam and steel wool and wood security walls have been screwed into place.

It doesn't look so pretty but we can only hope it works.

2nd Man said "can you imagine if we were asleep at night, and heard a commotion like that going on in the bathroom?"

Yes, I can...

"Hello, Mariott?  Yes, we need to book a room..."

Just more of our lives, learning the unique ways of rural living.